i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
