Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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