After last night, I could never be a politician.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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