I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
