You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
