Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
we're so committed to being not committed
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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