Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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