3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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