I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
