there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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