Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
