Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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