I didn't shave. On purpose
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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