I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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