What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? đđ
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled âfive times and I still havenât gotten offâ when he was still inside me ..
Said âdonât worry Iâll get myself off tomorrowâ to top it all off
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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