I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
