I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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