She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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