do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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