apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
