Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
