the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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