Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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