you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
