my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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