i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
