i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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