You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
