It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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