Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I met the friendliest cop last night
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
