i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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