how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
