wanna go halves on a baby?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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