so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
