my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He passed out mid-signature
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
