You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
