I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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