I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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