My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
