i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
