and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
