Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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