It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
