I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
