Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sober January is a disaster.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
