Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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