I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
