Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
