Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
