I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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