Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
