Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just puked most of my soul out..
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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