I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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